Cats have a seriously bad reputation. Meanwhile, their slobbering, needy, over anxious and very smelly counterparts take all of the house pet glory. Don’t get me wrong, I like dogs. That is, I like other people’s dogs. And, okay, I love my dog in a “ohana” kind of way. He’s family.

Yet, I am perplexed by “dog people” in the same way I find democrats completely baffling.

When someone discloses that they do not care for cats, I have to decide how much I already like that person. Because, seriously, that means you don’t like smart, clean, classy pets that save you money. Therefore, I must conclude from several options, (none of which are mutually exclusive):

First, it’s not your fault, you are simply uninformed. Second, you just aren’t that bright. Third, you are financially

irresponsible. OR finally, you don’t like pets at all.

So, you are either a democrat or you are heartless…. Either way I’m not sure our friendship can continue.

My dog says all he knows for sure, is that he wants to hump Hillary Clinton’s leg. Now he has started licking his balls. Disgusting.

I rest my case. And now…

Top Ten Reasons Intelligent People (Republicans) Prefer Cats:

10. Cats are dignified animals. They do not hump the legs of guests, nor do they spend hours licking their private parts.

9. Most cats do not require grooming, (But have you ever seen a Lion cut? Awesomesauce.)

8. Free rodent extermination.

7. Cats are furry little genius communicators. What better way to say, “You pissed me off!” than to literally piss on your bed, clothes or shoes? They are not evil. They are accurate.

6. No house training. Show them a litter box a couple times; DONE. Even better… you can train your cat to USE THE TOILETTE! No joke.

5. Cats are not an anchor. You do not have to come home after work to let out a cat. You do not have to take your cat on a walk. You don’t even have to board your cat when you go away for a long weekend.

4. In a competitve game of hide & seek, a cat will not generally give away your location… nor the presence of a mistress hiding under your bed.


2. Cats bathe themselves.

1. Cats save you money (refer to #9, 8, 5 & 4).