Recently, my friend’s son, aged 14, came down to dinner in a great deal of pain. He was pale and obviously in distress. When asked what was wrong he just said, “I don’t know. It hurts. Bad. Down there, in my privates.” His mother had no idea what to do with that information. The teen sat down to dinner and couldn’t eat. An over six foot tall, 14 year old athlete not eating REALLY worried Mom. She texted her boyfriend explaining the symptoms and saying she thought she was going to have to go to the emergency room. He responded, “No need. I’m pretty sure he has himself a case of blue balls.”

Upon conversation with her ex-husband, Mom learned that her son had met a girl the night before. Further reassured that a trip to the ER was unnecessary, mom proceeded to her son’s room with the diagnosis…

Mom (trying not to laugh): “I think you have blue balls.”

Son (concerned): “Is that bad?! What do I do??”

Mom: “You will be fine. Easily taken care of. But, as for what you do… you’re going to have to Google that.”

Her son came down about ½ hour later smiling and ate like a champ.

Meanwhile, Mom was busy compiling a list of topics that clearly needed to be discussed with her two teen children as soon as possible. She and I compared notes and, although not all inclusive, we came up with the list below, which applies to both girls and boys equally.

  1. No means no. Always. And also, sometimes yes means no. Because when you are caught with your pants down, what is your partner going to tell parents? Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Take responsibility for your actions. Understand that if you say “no,” (or you say “yes” and then change your mind and say “no”), and your request is not honored by your partner; that is not your fault. You need to tell a trusted adult. Immediately. Whether you are a boy or a girl.
  2. Never do anything you are not ready for. You can’t take it back. My kids were young when we had the first “talk.” So I had to tell them, “You think sex is gross now… and you think you will not want to do these things. But there will come a time when your body will tell you otherwise. You need to think with your brain. Your body can be a huge liar.
  3. It’s also not a bad idea to WAIT. The emotional aftermath of your first time is all encompassing. You may fall deeply in love. You may feel used. You may be heart broken. You may be scared. You may be overjoyed. Regardless, whatever you feel, you will feel it deeply, completely and in every fiber of your being.
  4. Just because you say yes once, doesn’t mean you have to say yes the next time. You ALWAYS have a choice.
  5. Sexting may seem fun. You think no one will ever see what you write or the pictures you take. Until the break up. I know one poor teen whose naked pictures became social media fodder after a break up. You are thinking Snap Chat. Nope… still not safe. Anything you do digitally is forever. And, if you are under 18, it’s illegal. Don’t. Just don’t.
  6. Most people lie about how many partners they have had. Multiply what they say by at least three. You are sleeping with ALL those people. If they say they are STD free, have they been tested? Do they even know? Don’t take chances.
  7. Always keep it covered, (i.e. condoms are mandatory, yes I do mean for oral sex too). Even if oral contraception (the birth control pill), is being utilized; it is not 100% effective. My first born is proof that you can get pregnant on the birth control pill. And, you can always still get a sexually transmitted disease. Crabs & scabies can be spread even when using a condom. And news flash… condoms break. I know this to be a fact because it’s happened to me. Therefore, parents, this is when you break out the big guns and show the child pictures of gonorrhea, crabs, herpes, advanced aids…
  8. It’s not a bad idea at all to go to the bathroom immediately after sex.
  9. Parents, you may or may not wish to advise your teens to carry a condom at all times. My daughter is the product of sex on the pill. I personally know children conceived by women who refused to have a condom on hand because they were sure they would never say, “yes.” Perhaps take a note from the Scouts of America; be prepared.
  10. You are not the educator of other children. The sex talk is personal and is between a parent and their child.

11. And a final message… by having this talk, you are not giving permission to do any of these things. Explicitly tell your children the discussion is not permission. I explained to my teens that as a parent, I will never be ready for them to have sex. Yet, I stressed that I am here for them even when I disagree with their decisions. I’ve tried to ensure them that I love them. ALWAYS.NO.MATTER.WHAT.

Parents… you may be firmly against pre-marital sex. You may be religiously opposed to birth control. You may work hard to raise your children with the same morals and values you have. Unfortunately, around the time your child becomes a teen, you are demoted in the rank of influences on their decisions. You built the foundation. They will build from the ground up. They will make you proud. They will make poor choices. They will do things you never thought they would. They will exceed your expectations and they will disappoint you. Yet, the strong foundation is there under everything. As your child matures, they are likely to understand your wisdom and revert to the core values you have instilled. However, do not be ignorant of the decisions they may make while they figure out who they are.

I found these helpful for young girl curiosity, (starting around 8 years old my girls referred to these). We have also acquired The Feelings Book
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 & A Smart Girl’s Guide to Boys
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Hands down, the best sex talk I’ve ever witnessed was featured on Friday Night Lights, Episode 10, “The Giving Tree.” Note that it occurs after Coach Taylor finds his daughter in bed with one of his players, (AFTER… because this talk is too often avoided until it’s too late). Coach Taylor surrentders the heart to heart with his daughter to his wife, and has a little one with the player. I wish I could find video of just this conversation… Here is the scene transcribed and you can download the whole episode if you wish… Julie (daughter) asks what her mother punishment will be. Tami, her mother responds, “You have to have a conversation with me:”

Tami: “So, umm. Do you
love Matt?”

Julie: “I love Matt.”

Tami: “Does he love you?

Julie : “Matt loves me.”

Tami: “He does…And
what about birth control?”

Julie: “Mom, I don’t
want to talk about it.

Tami: “Hon, that’s
the conversation.”

Julie: “Yes, we’re
using birth control.”

Tami: “What kind specifically?”

Julie: “Condoms. We’re
using condoms.”

Tami: “Do you know how
to use them properly?

Julie: “Yes, I know how
to use them.”

Tami: “You, know you
have to use them every time, because you know sometimes boys try to
tell you…”

Julie: “Yeah, Matt’s
really good about it.”

Tami: “And you know,
just cause you’re having sex this one time doesn’t mean that you
have to all the time, and you know if it ever feels like he’s taking
you for granted, or you’re not enjoying it you can stop anytime…
and if you ever break up with Matt it’s not like you have sex with
the next boy necessarily.”

[She tears up]

Julie: “Why are you crying?”

Tami: “Because I wanted
you to wait…but that’s just because I want to protect you because
I love you, and I want to make sure nothing bad ever happens to you.
And I always want to you to always be able to talk to me even if it’s
about something so hard like this.”

Julie: “I didn’t want
to disappoint you.”

[Tami shakes head, hugs

Later on, Eric’s “talk”
with Matt is far more succinct:

“I know your father
is in Iraq but if he were here we’d agree on one thing,: Women are
to be respected,” Eric says. And then he pauses. “That is my daughter,”
he adds.

Matt’s only response
is a series of “yes, sir’s.

I also found these helpful for the young girl curiosity: