Notice of Record to my kiddos:

I love you. For your benefit, I will forego many things, including but not limited to eating, folded laundry, the ability to have a conversation or poop without interruption, showering and even sometimes brushing my teeth before 2pm. However, I will NOT forego workouts during bikini season just because my children think I’m a combination of Betty Crocker and Julie from the Love Boat. I am not your cruise director y’all.

Moreover, unless you are bleeding, broken or there is a kidnapping in progress YOU. WILL. NOT. INTERRUPT. MY. WORKOUT.

Let me explain:

– You think that hot dog is moldy? DO NOT shove it under my nose mid push-up.
– You want to ask permission to go somewhere? Wait until my set is done.
– Your sister took your brush without asking? Frankly Scarlet, I don’t give a damn.
– Hungry? The fruit bowl is on the counter.
– What? Seriously? You’re bored? Start running and hide until after I’ve consumed my protein shake. Because.. if I catch you, I own you. Can you say, “mommy’s little chore bitch?” What? I can’t call my kids that? Fine, “mommy’s little helper.” Either way clean house and no more “I’m bored,” WINNING!
– You’d like to see if I can squat you? You want to prove you can squat me? Challenge me to a Push up contest? Plank contest? I’d love to. AFTER I’M DONE MY WORKOUT!

By the way, you are more than welcome to join in my workout. In fact, I’d love that. By join, I mean you exercise too. I do not mean jump on my back while I’m doing a push up. I do not mean test my balance during a yoga pose by jumping around me flailing wildly and yelling, “Don’t fall Mom!” Nor do I mean pop a bag of popcorn and watch me from the couch… with your friends.

Are we clear? The whole rest of the day is pretty much yours. In fact, the reason I’m working out at home is so that I could drive you to your camp this morning and I therefore missed mine. So, yes, when you interrupt the one hour I take for myself everyday, it pisses me off.

Okay, I admit the popcorn thing was pretty funny. Well played. Besides, truthfully I don’t care if I have an audience. In fact, bring back the kid who told me I should compete in American Ninja Warrior. I like him.


For actually productive summer tips on nutrition: Part I & coming soon Part II for fitness tips.
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